Shut Up, Little Man!

In the Spirit of Thanksgiving : Stories and anecdotes : Shut Up, Little Man!

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In the Spirit of Thanksgiving —

neigbors tape - brunetti
Illustration from the SULM
comic book by Ivan Brunetti

War was declared. After a year of living next door to the forever-shouting Peter and Raymond, Mitchell and I decided to retaliate. We began to make prank calls to harass Pete and Ray. And, one day after four days of ceaseless fighting from nextdoor, Mitchell and I hauled two monster speakers out onto the walkway that joined our apartment to Pete and Ray’s and set them up inches away from their living room window. We then played a tape of the two old drunks screaming at one another and turned it up almost all the way. We assumed that this might embarrass Pete and Ray, diffuse their anger, or at least re-direct their rage away from each other and toward us. Anything to shut them up for a while. Mitchell and I sat on the walkway with the tape blaring, thinking maybe they would come out and confront us. Or at least shut the fuck up! No such luck. We nodded our heads in disbelief, as the real Pete and Ray fought on, their voices rising in volume to exceed their own screaming on the tape.

[On the tape Peter was screaming: "If you want to call the police, then do it!"]

Peter: "Shut up little man! Uh, the neighbors are playing a tape of your screeching!"

Raymond: "Shut yer fuckin’ mouth!" [On the tape Raymond yells: "I want to kill! I am perfectly willing to kill!"]

Peter [referring to Raymond on the tape]: "Do you hear how silly you sound, little man?"

Raymond: "Sheeeit, Peter. At least I don’t sound like a fuckin’ queer cocksucker!"

However, on Thanksgiving we decided to call a temporary cease-fire with Pete and Ray. I wanted to offer a formal gesture of neighborly camaraderie and good cheer. So, I bought two big forty ouncers of Budweiser to take next door, knowing that Ray and Tony liked to drink this watered-down piss.

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